


Freedom ain’t nothing but missing you

by justhockey



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Breaking Up & Making Up, Christopher Diaz is a National Treasure, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Getting Back Together, Idiots in Love, Insecure Evan "Buck" Buckley, Lack of Communication, M/M, Protective Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Upset Evan "Buck" Buckley
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-14
Updated: 2021-02-14
Packaged: 2021-03-14 10:16:01
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,746
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29416998
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/justhockey/pseuds/justhockey
Summary: It was a gentle love, so warm that Buck couldn’t ever fully believe that he deserved it.So he had to go and ruin it, because that’s all Buck is good for, all he knows how to do.
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)
Comments: 44
Kudos: 410





	Freedom ain’t nothing but missing you

**Author's Note:**

> Title from _Back to December_ by Taylor Swift.

It aches like a phantom limb, like Buck is going to look to his side and Eddie will be there. But he isn’t. Not anymore. 

Sure, he’s around. He sees him at work and team gatherings, he sometimes sees him at the park when Buck goes to hang out with Christopher once a week. But it’s not the same as it used to be, not like when he and Eddie were attached at the hip, when you couldn’t find one without the other. 

And the worst part is, it’s all Buck’s fault. 

What he and Eddie had - it had been intense right from the beginning. From jealously, to friendship, to a love so fierce that it floored Buck every time he let himself think about it. And the changes always happened so fast, almost instantaneously. 

From jealousy to friendship in the time it took to take a bomb out of someone’s leg, and an ambulance to blow up. From friendship to love in every moment after. But it was as Buck sat by Eddie’s bed after the well pipe had collapsed, that he fully realised the scope and depth of the love he felt for Eddie. The moment he realised that this wasn’t going away, that he was all in. 

And to have Eddie love him back was - yeah. It was holding each other just a little too tight after a dangerous call, and it was grocery shopping, and taking Chris to the park, and slow, lazy mornings when they’d kiss until Christopher stumbled into their room. It was a gentle love, so warm that Buck couldn’t ever fully believe that he deserved it. 

So he had to go and ruin it, because that’s all Buck is good for, all he knows how to do. 

It was just - everything was so fucking _perfect._ It’s like, Buck woke up one day and looked around at the life that he was building, and he realised he had everything he’d ever wanted. He could see it in the way Eddie and Christopher looked at him. He could feel how much they loved him, how much they counted on him, how much of their happiness he was responsible for. 

And it just - it was too much. Too much pressure, and responsibility to not fuck it all up. 

All Buck has ever done is ruin people. 

His parents and Maddie were happy until he came into the picture, then he took away the parents Maddie knew and the childhood she deserved to have. He ruined Abby - his love sent her halfway across the world, and he knows that wasn’t all on him, but he was part of it. Ali was sweet and unaware, and he dragged her into a world of hurt that she didn’t deserve to see. 

It just stood to reason that he was bound to ruin Eddie and Christopher too. He wasn’t sure how, or when, but he knew that it was going to happen eventually. And they’re too special to him, too special to this world, to ever risk tainting them with his poison. 

So he’d left. And he couldn’t tell Eddie the real reason, because Eddie loves him so much that he would have tried to talk Buck out of it. And Buck loves Eddie so much that he would have let him. 

So he lied - he told Eddie he wasn’t ready for the commitment, that he wanted to be free and have fun, and not feel tied down. 

And _fuck,_ Eddie had _understood._ He’d just accepted it so easily that Buck wanted to shove the words back into his mouth and swallow them down, that he wanted to reach out shake Eddie until he saw sense.

That made it even worse, really. Because Buck thought Eddie knew how much he loved him, thought he understood just how much of Buck’s heart belonged to Eddie and Christopher. But the fact that he’d accepted it so easily, the fact that it made sense to Eddie that Buck could just, not want them anymore. Well. Clearly he was already doing something wrong - already in the process of hurting them before he even realised it. 

So he walked away and left the shattered remains of his heart on the floor at Eddie’s feet. 

They make things work of course, because they have to, because they’re good at their jobs and because they both love Christopher. They’re still partners on the job because they work seamlessly together, don’t even need words to communicate. And no one says anything, not even Chim, even though Buck is certain that the tension is so thick the entire fire house can feel it - the pain is so bitter every one of them can taste it. 

And Buck still sees Christopher, but most of the time it’s Abuela or Carla who brings him to the park so Buck can hang out with him. 

It hurts, when Chris holds his hand and asks when he’s coming home, because Buck has to tell him that he isn’t, that he can’t. But he always makes sure Chris knows that Buck isn’t gone from his life - that Buck will always be there for him, no matter what. (He doesn’t have the words for how grateful he is that Eddie still lets him see Chris). And Christopher is wonderful and innocent, so he accepts it, and kisses Buck on the cheek, and then they play like their hearts aren’t hurting. 

And it should be enough. It should. But it doesn’t feel like it is.

**—————**

Buck has just finished changing his shirt and washing the grime off his face from the last call - a house fire that they’d gotten control of before anyone got hurt, thankfully. He’s about to head up to the kitchen to see if Bobby needs any help with cooking dinner, when he hears his name from behind him. 

“Evan.”

He feels stuck in limbo, like he can’t keep going and ignore them, but he can’t turn around and face them either. He knew Maddie invited them here, and he gets it - they’re her parents and she wants them to be a part of her daughters life. He doesn’t begrudge her that. But he just - he _can’t._

Buck would do anything for Maddie, but the one thing he refused to do was see their parents. She’d hadn’t asked him to, of course - would never expect Buck to put himself through that, but Buck feels guilty anyway. He’s spent the entire week they’ve been in town laying low, not going anywhere except work and home, and the grocery store if it was absolutely necessary. 

But of course they show up here anyway, of course they come to the one place that Buck feels safe and at home in, even when Maddie told them he didn’t want to see them. 

Because that’s what they do, they push, and they control, and they do what’s best for them without any consideration of what other people might want or need. He wants them gone. 

He turns to face them anyway. 

“What are you doing here?” He asks. 

He knows they’re leaving today, so this must be their last stop before the airport. An afterthought, as always. And Buck wishes that didn’t hurt, but it still does. It still stings that his parents don’t love or care about him, even long after he’s accepted that they never will and he should just stop vying for their affection. 

“We wanted to see where you worked,” his dad says, glancing around. 

Buck nods. “Well. You’ve seen it.”

“Evan-“

“-Mr and Mrs Buckley,” Chim calls out. “I thought you were flying home today?”

Chim appears like some kind of angel, swooping in and disrupting the moment, drawing the attention from Buck. The only problem with that is he draws the attention of someone else, too. 

Suddenly Eddie is walking into the room to see what’s going on. His eyes fall on Margaret and Phillip, then immediately search for Buck. He raises his eyebrows, a silent _‘you okay?’_ and Buck just wants to hide in Eddie’s arms until they’re gone. He nods his head, because Eddie isn’t his anymore. 

“We just wanted to see where Evan works,” Margaret says, smiling sweetly. It’s so familiar - so _fake_ \- that it makes Buck’s skin crawl. 

“Like I said, you’ve seen it,” Buck says. “You should probably leave before you miss your flight.”

The tension in the room is so heavy it feels suffocating. Chim excuses himself with a quick goodbye, and a handshake with Phillip. Buck gets it, he doesn’t want to be here either. 

Eddie stays though, moves so he’s standing closer to Buck, a steady, familiar presence as he takes on his parents. 

It’s so sweet Buck could almost cry, because he doesn’t deserve this, doesn’t deserve Eddie’s support after breaking his heart. 

“Don’t speak to us like that Evan, what will your colleagues think of you?” his mom warns, her hand gesturing to Eddie. 

Because that’s what it’s always about with her - the way they look to other people, how they’re perceived from the outside, how they’re judged. Buck couldn’t care less, especially not here, not with his family. Not with Eddie. 

“What do you want?” He sighs. He has no patience for this, for their drama or their fake concern, or any of it. 

“We just said-“

“I know what you said, but that’s not why you’re here.”

His dad tuts. “You wouldn’t see us, what were we supposed to do?”

“Stay away from me, just like I asked,” Buck says. 

He can feel Eddie move slightly, shift just a tiny bit closer. His parents glance at him for a second but don’t say anything, just fix their gaze on Buck again. 

“You’re acting like a child, Evan,” his mom chastises. 

The words are so familiar - he’s been hearing them since he was eight years old - they really shouldn’t land so heavy. They do, though. Because he knows how they see him; he’s irresponsible and careless, immature, juvenile. Nothing he does will change that, not even saving lives every day. 

“How would you know? You weren’t around when I was a child,” Buck spits back. 

The way his parents faces twist - ugly and bitter and _mean_ \- he thinks that’s how they should always look. Because on the outside they look sweet and warm, all-American, apple pie eating, normal, every day parents. But underneath there’s a cold indifference, a malicious streak that runs deep. 

“That’s not fair, Evan,” his dad says, his voice beginning to raise. 

Buck shrugs and laughs. “I’m just being honest. You _weren’t_ around, not in any way that counted.”

“Now you listen-“

“Why?” Buck asks. “Why should I listen to you? You didn’t care when I was a kid and I needed you, so you don’t get to try and worm your way back into my life now.”

He’s embarrassed, that Eddie’s here for this - that he has to see the true disdain that Buck’s parents have for him. Part of him is afraid that, even though they’re not together anymore, Eddie will finally see Buck how everyone else sees him - how his _parents_ see him. He’s too scared to even glance at him. 

“You watch your mouth!” His dad barks. 

“We _tried,_ Evan,” his mom argues. “We tried but you were _so_ difficult.” 

It hurts so much to hear that Buck thinks his knees would give way if not for Eddie, who reaches out a hand and rests it on the small of Buck’s back. It’s the first time they’ve touched outside of a call since they broke up, and Eddie’s touch, along with the words of Buck’s parents, all of it is too much. 

“I was a _child!_ ” Buck yells, his voice echoing through the station. “And I spent my entire life feeling like a constant disappointment, because of you!” 

Eddie’s hand curls around his waist and squeezes tight. Buck’s parents notice the movement and frown. Buck can’t breathe. 

“Don’t you dare raise your voice at us,” Phillip says, as if he wasn’t shouting just a moment ago. Buck almost wants to laugh at the hypocrisy. 

“You _never_ made it easy for us,” his mom says, crying now, as if she’s the one this is hurting. “I don’t know what you expected us to do.” 

It steals all the fight out of Buck the moment the words leave her lips. 

Buck was too much for even his own parents to love. 

“Love me anyway.” He sounds so broken that his own voice makes him flinch. 

He can feel the way Eddie’s whole body stiffens beside him, and he doesn’t know what it means, doesn’t even want to. He just wants for this moment to be over, wants to go back in time to a moment before all of this, before everything ached so badly. 

“Oh, please, Evan,” his dad says, so flippantly that Buck has to close his eyes so he doesn’t cry. 

“I’d like you to leave, now.”

“Evan, there’s no need to be so dramatic,” his mom sighs. 

“He’s not,” Eddie says. It’s the first time he’s spoken during the whole interaction and his voice is harsh, authoritative. 

Buck leans into him as Margaret and Phillip immediately look to him, shocked that he would even dare to get involved in a family matter. But Buck doesn’t even have the words to articulate how grateful he is for the support, especially when Eddie doesn’t owe him a single thing. 

“And who are you, exactly?” Phillip asks Eddie, watching him with a sour look on his face. 

Buck holds his breath. 

“You don’t get to know that, you don’t deserve to know anything about Buck’s life,” Eddie says calmly. “Now he asked you to leave, so there’s the door.”

He’s smiling as he points to the exit, but his eyes are hard and his tone is firm. The way Buck’s parents flounder, surprised and humiliated, makes some of the heaviness on his chest ease just a little. They look to Buck for some kind of support, but when they realise it’s not coming, they shake their head in disappointment. 

“You’ll never change, Evan,” his mom says as they turn their backs. 

“I sure hope not, he’s pretty great,” Eddie calls out as they walk away.

Buck’s whole body sags in relief the second they’re out of sight. 

His parents words, _Eddie’s_ words, all of it. It was just too much, and he wasn’t prepared for any of it, and it kind of feels like the whole world is collapsing beneath his feet. He covers his mouth to stifle a sob.

“Buck-“

“I’m okay, sorry, I’m fine,” he assures Eddie. 

Then he steps away, because being so close to him aches almost more than his parents words. Buck misses him more than he knows what to do with, and all he wants is for Eddie to make all of this go away. But he doesn’t deserve Eddie like this, being supportive and defensive of him, not when Buck is the one that destroyed them - when he destroys everything he touches. 

“Thank you,” he whispers. 

Eddie reaches to touch him again but Buck moves back. He feels what’s left of his heart cracking at the sight of Eddie’s face, the way it crumples when Buck won’t accept his comfort. He has to look away in case he starts crying. 

“Of course,” Eddie says. 

And then the alarm goes off, and Buck has to forget his problems in favour of fixing someone else’s.

**—————**

He’s barely had the chance to change into sweats and a t-shirt when there’s a knock at his door. He’s only been home ten minutes, and it’s past midnight, so there’s only a handful of people it could be. 

He isn’t really surprised when he opens the door and it’s Eddie standing there. He doesn’t even let Buck say anything, he just pushes his way inside and heads over to the couch, taking a seat in his usual spot and waiting for Buck to join him. 

Buck takes a shaking breath. He’s tired physically, but everything with his parents, and Eddie, too, it’s just drained him completely. And having Eddie here, when they’re both tired and uninhibited, it’s just not a good idea. Buck already wants to crawl into his lap and never move again. _Fuck._

“Is everything okay?” Buck asks as he sits down, as far away from Eddie as his couch will allow. 

“I don’t know, you tell me,” Eddie says, looking at Buck with a single raised eyebrow. 

Eddie stuck close to Buck for the rest of the shift, after the whole debacle with his parents. It had garnered more than a few looks from Hen, Chim, and Bobby, who hadn’t witnessed any of the conversation, and only the aftermath - Eddie hovering near Buck but never getting too close, never touching. 

He knows that Eddie is worried about him, but he also knows that Buck isn’t entitled to that kind of worry anymore. And he kind of wishes Eddie would just stop, because the more he does this, the closer Buck feels to caving in. 

“I’m fine,” Buck tells him. 

Eddie scoffs. Buck sometimes forgets how well they really know each other - how they know every expression, can read each other’s body language, can hear the words they aren’t saying. It was good when they were together, now it’s just painful - knowing someone so entirely, but not getting to have any part of them. 

“You’re a bad liar,” Eddie says. 

“No I’m not,” Buck disagrees. 

He’s been lying about his feelings for most of his life. No one ever questions it except -

“Maybe. But you are to me, I can always tell,” Eddie says. 

Buck hates that he’s right. He looks down at his hands, starts to pick at the skin around his thumb. 

“They suck,” Buck admits. “It’s whatever. I’ll be fine.”

He will be fine, he’s always _fine,_ it’s just. With Eddie he was so much more than fine, and he’s not sure if he’s ever going to be able to find that again. Not that he deserves it, but still. He’s allowed to want, maybe. 

They sit in awkward silence for a few minutes. The air is thick with all the words they’re too afraid to say, and Buck can’t even force himself to look at Eddie. 

“You know it’s not true, right?” Eddie asks. 

Buck’s hands still. He’s not sure entirely sure what Eddie is asking, but he’s got a pretty good idea. And he also knows he’s not strong enough for where he thinks this conversation is going. 

So Buck just shrugs. 

“Hey, I’m serious, look at me.”

Buck does, but only because Eddie reaches out to hold onto Buck’s wrist. His eyes are big and brown, and they look like home even though they’re not anymore. 

“Please tell me you know that they’re wrong? That you’re not difficult, or hard to love?” 

Eddie is almost pleading, and Buck can’t stand it. Can’t stand the pain in his eyes or the softness of his touch. He looks away again, because he’s a coward who’s too afraid to face anything that will leave him feeling vulnerable. 

His silence is enough of an answer. 

The noise that leaves Eddie is halfway between a sigh and a sob, and Buck has to scrunch his eyes closed tight so he doesn’t instantly start crying. Eddie is still holding his wrist, and Buck wants to pull away but he isn’t strong enough. 

“Buck-“

“-Just stop, please. You should go home,” Buck tells Eddie. 

It takes everything in him to say the words, and he’s desperate for Eddie to listen because he’s not sure if he’s got the strength to ask him to leave again. It’s just - he can feel his resolve breaking and he can’t let that happen, can’t let himself go crawling back to Eddie when he knows he’s just going to hurt him and Christopher again. 

“Buck.”

“ _Please._ ”

“Why did you break up with me?” Eddie asks. 

“What?”

He can’t. He can’t talk about this, he can’t lie again, he can’t _feel_ all of these things that keep washing over him. 

He wants Eddie so much that his bones ache with it. His hands miss the feel of Eddie’s skin, and his heart misses the way it felt to be wrapped up in Eddie’s arms. He _wants._ But he won’t. Can’t. Doesn’t want to ruin them more than he already has done. 

“You said you didn’t want the commitment, right? You wanted to have fun, not be tied down?”

Buck nods. “Yes.”

He did say that. It’s not true, but it’s what he said. 

“So where are all the dates? Where’s this _fun_ you wanted?” Eddie asks. “Because Buck, you just seem lonely.”

The tears he’s been holding in since his parents showed up - or maybe since he left Eddie, or maybe since he was ten years old - start to fall. 

Buck has always been lonely. He was lonely as a kid, with parents who didn’t care, and a sister who left. He was lonely in South America, where his broken Spanish wasn’t enough to form a connection so he used his body instead. He was lonely in the SEALs, where his heart, and feelings, and humanity, made him isolated. 

He was lonely until Eddie walked into his life. 

And somehow, none of that loneliness felt as suffocating as it does now. Because now he knows what it feels like to feel truly seen, and known, and _loved._ So it was bad, back then, but at least he didn’t know what he was missing. Now he’s so lonely he can taste it, can feel it carved so deeply into his bones that his whole body aches with it. 

“Buck, you deserve to be loved,” Eddie says, so softly that Buck can’t help the cry that escapes his mouth. 

“No, I don’t,” he whispers. 

“Oh, _baby._ Baby, look at me,” Eddie says. 

Buck can’t, because if he looks then he’s a goner and he won’t do this to Eddie. He keeps his eyes closed tightly. 

But then there’s a hand on his cheek, so gentle Buck can barely stand it. And Eddie is turning Buck’s face towards him, wiping away the tears that are trailing down his cheeks, and Buck opens his eyes because he isn’t strong enough not to. 

Eddie’s own eyes are filled with tears, but he smiles when Buck looks at him. 

“There you are,” he whispers. 

“I don’t deserve you,” Buck says. “I’ll ruin it, I’ll ruin _you._ I’ll hurt you both and I don’t - I don’t want that. I can’t hurt you and Chris, I don’t -“ 

He’s breathless and hiccuping, but Eddie keeps stroking his thumb along Buck’s cheekbone, shushing him quietly until Buck has stopped gasping. 

Then Eddie leans forward and rests his forehead against Buck’s, and it takes everything in Buck not to kiss him. Not to take and take and _take,_ even though he doesn’t deserve. 

“I’ll break everything,” Buck breathes. 

“Buck, baby, no. You won’t break anything, you _healed_ us,” Eddie says. 

But Buck shakes his head because he knows it isn’t true. Eddie is saying it because he loves him, and because he’s good, and he doesn’t want Buck hurting. But it’s not the truth, it can’t be the truth. 

Eddie brings his other hand up to Buck’s face too, to stop him from shaking his head. He holds him still as they breathe each other’s air, and only pulls back when Buck had calmed down enough. He leaves his hands on Buck’s shoulders though, his thumbs brushing over the bare skin of his neck. 

“I never thought I would love again after Shannon,” Eddie confesses. “I thought that me and Chris would never be okay again. And then I fell in love with you - _Christopher_ fell in love with you - and god. It was the easiest thing in the world, Buck.”

Buck’s eyes are wide and shining with tears as he listens, but he _is_ listening. And the sincerity in Eddie’s voice, the honesty, it’s impossible to miss. It makes Buck’s breath catch in the back of his throat, because maybe. Maybe Eddie means this. 

“Loving you -“ Eddie pauses, sighs with a smile on his face. “Buck, getting to love you is the greatest gift, and I’m gonna do it for as long as you’ll let me. And even after that, I won’t stop.” 

Buck laughs, because that sounds about right for Eddie. He’s pretty good at not following instructions, but only for the right reasons. 

He wants to kiss him, wants to fold himself into Eddie’s arms and never walk away again. He wants to, but - 

“My parents -“

“-Are so, unbelievably _wrong._ There’s something broken in _them,_ Buck, not in you,” Eddie promises. 

Buck sucks in a shaking breath, then he brings his arms up and circles Eddie’s wrists in his hands. Holds onto him because he needs to, because he can. 

“Buck, I don’t know why they are the way they are, but I _do_ know that it isn’t your fault. I’m here and I love you, and Christopher, and Maddie, and the 118, we _all_ love you,” Eddie tells him. 

“I love you too,” Buck says. 

And the smile that spreads across Eddie’s face when he says it feels like the sun coming out. Buck hadn’t realised how little Eddie has been smiling lately until he sees it now, and he’s missed it more than he realised. 

“God, I missed hearing that,” Eddie admits, still smiling. 

“I’m sorry,” Buck tells him, but Eddie only shakes his head. 

“I know, I know this hurt you too, baby.”

And god, did it hurt. Getting out of bed every morning felt like an impossible task, seeing Eddie’s face made Buck’s teeth ache, not being able to hold him and Christopher on lazy Sunday mornings had been the worst kind of torture. 

“Just - please, talk to me next time you’re worried, okay?” Eddie asks. “Because we can figure out anything together, but not if you make decisions without involving me.”

Buck knows he’s going to need help sometimes, that he’ll need to be reminded that Eddie loves him, and that he’s not fucking everything up. But with the way Eddie is looking at him, Buck knows that he’ll always be there to reassure him. He just needs to stop hiding his feelings, needs to be open about what hurts so Eddie can help him heal it. 

“Okay.”

“Promise?” Eddie asks, holding his pinky out. 

Buck can’t help but laugh as he curls his pinky around Eddie’s. “I promise.”

“Good. Now can I please you kiss you?” Eddie asks. 

Buck hasn’t even finished nodding before Eddie is capturing his lips in a kiss so divine that Buck thinks he could live in it, would stretch out this moment forever if it was possible. 

And they weren’t both exhausted. 

“Can we go to bed now?” Buck asks, and Eddie tips his head back and laughs. 

“Yeah, lets go to sleep baby.”

They curl around each other for the first time in months, and they fit like they’ve never been apart. It’s like all of Buck’s broken pieces and all of Eddie’s fractured edges meet to make one beautiful, complete soul.

**—————**

The next morning they both show up at Carla’s to pick Christopher up. 

She gives them a knowing wink when she sees them together, their hands intertwined because they can’t quite stand to be apart just yet. She calls Christopher over, and Buck feels so nervous for some reason, but Eddie knows, because he always knows, and he presses a kiss to Buck’s cheek. 

When Christopher sees them both together, the smile that lights up his face is almost enough to bring tears to their eyes. 

“Bucky!” Christopher calls out. 

“Hey buddy, how are you?” Buck asks, kneeling down to take Christopher into his arms. 

“I missed you,” Chris tells him, pouting sadly. 

“I missed you too little man,” Buck says. “I’m sorry I’ve not been around much lately, but that’s not gonna happen again, okay? I promise.”

Christopher holds him tightly and Buck stands up with him in his arms. When he feels Eddie’s arm around his waist, it feels like everything finally slots back into place, like he’s exactly where he’s always supposed to be - where he never should have left. 

“You’re coming home?” Christopher asks. 

Buck looks at Eddie and smiles. “Yeah, yeah I’m coming home.”

**Author's Note:**

> Idk some kind of canon divergent slash what would happen if Buck didn’t have dinner with his parents ? Who even knows at this point ? Love u <3


End file.
